22 ONE SHOTS
by metallicanirvana
Summary: If your looking for a good collection of one shots search some where else. This fic will contain 22 one shots about South Park at the start of 3rd grade. It's stupid and unfunny and you shouldn't read it even if your bored. Stan/Wendy
1. Mariwawa

A/N: Ok firstly I know the timing is fucked up but I was watching the earlier episodes (an elephant fucks a pig mainly) and the timing is kind of screwed up on it for comical effect so I decided to do that too. This is based on the earlier episodes when they were all so cute, especially my darling little Wendy. I was so rape her… don't call me a paedophile!!

"Hello children, I'm your new teacher Mr Garrison." The bald man with glasses says.

"How come there is a puppet on your hand?" Wendy asked.

"This is Mr Hat, he is my assistant." Mr Garrison says with a smile.

"How come you have an assistant?" Wendy asked.

"You shut your mouth little girl," Mr Hat says as the class exchange confused glasses.

"Today we are going to learn about… Marijuana. Does anyone know what Marijuana is?"

"It's when you're having sex with a lady friend and you tickle her balls." Cartman says.

"Ok… now see, if you spend your life eating you end up dumb kids," Mr Hat says.

"Marijuana is a plant. You grow it in the ground and smoke it. Some people sell it and make a lot of money children and that's why Marijuana is bad. Question time?" Wendy puts her hand up.

"Yes… little girl, uhh Wendy is it?" Mr Garrison asks looking at the seating plan.

"Yes… how come elephant genes won't splice with Pig genes?"

"Oh… aren't you just a doll? Anyways kids anymore questions?" Stan puts up his hand.

"Yes… uhh Stanley."

"What is anal sex?" Stan asked.

"I know what that is, it's when you get aliens and then you cuddle with their injections."

"I meant questions about marijuana… God you're all so stupid." Mr Garrison says annoyed.

"How do we grow Marivana?" Kyle asked.

"Well if I knew that I wouldn't be a teacher."

-

"You guys… Kenny got some of that marijuana stuff." Cartman says running to his friends. Kenny was walking behind him. Stan and Kyle were waiting for the bus although they didn't want to go because that Mr Garrison guy kind of freaked them out.

"Where did you get marijuwawa thingy from Kenny?" Stan asked.

"My dad was growing some in the shed." Kenny replied in a muffled voice.

"Cool, Mr Garrison said we have to smoke it… how do we do that?" Kyle asked.

"My mum said we need a pipe or papers…" Cartman said as he went into his bag looking for his note pad. Cartman rips a tiny bit out of his history book, some thing about Vietnam. He rolls up the plant into the paper.

"Now what?" Stan asked.

"Now we inhale it." Cartman said inhaling.

"Is it working?" Kyle asked.

"I'm not sure. Why do people smoke this stuff anyways? It's not doing anything." Cartman said frustrated.

"No wait dude, I think you're meant to light it up…" Kenny said grabbing it from Cartman and lighting it up with a lighter.

"Well Kenny is it doing anything?" Kyle asked but Kenny wasn't responding.

"Kenny?" Stan asked but Kenny continued to inhale. Kenny finished off what was left and threw it into the snow. The bus pulled up.

"Get in, we are running late."

"Maybe if you got here faster…" Stan said.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" The bus driver asked.

"I said Bebe looks like she is plastered."

"Oh yeah, I'm plastered too." The boys got into the bus. Kenny started randomly laughing.

"Dude what's so funny?" Kyle asked.

"I forgot…" Kenny said.

"Hey Stan, look its Wendy Testaburger." Kyle said.

"Where?" Kyle pointed to the little girl.

"Stan likes Wendy Testaburger." Cartman sang as Kenny started laughing.

"I do not," Stan replied blushing a little.

"Yeah you do, you throw up every time she talks to you." The bus stopped at the school and everyone jumped out.

"Hey guys," Wendy says walking up to the four of them.

"Hey Wendy," Kyle said.

"Hi Stan," Wendy said smiling as Stan threw up.

"Ew! Barf is gross," Wendy said giving Stan a note.

"What does it say dude?" Kyle asked.

"She wants to see me at Stark's pond tonight," Stan says with a smile.

"Aw dude you can kiss her." Kyle says with a laugh.

"Or play with her pussy." Kenny says stoned.

"How do you know she has a cat?" The four boys start laughing after realising what Kenny meant.

-

"Hey Stan," Wendy says with a smile.

"Hey dude…" Stan says throwing up.

"Why do you always throw up when I talk to you?"

"I don't know…"

"He throws up when he is in love." Kenny says attempting to jump into Stark's Pond but it was frozen.

"Kenny?" Wendy asked looking at him.

"He has been doing marijuana." Stan says looking at his friend.

"But that's illegal…" Wendy says as Stan throws up again.

"Oh, Wendy… I like you, a lot…" Stan says throwing up.

"I like you too." She grabs Stan's arm but he throws up.

"Do you wanna be my boy friend?"

"What's that? Some kind of cheese?"

"No… when two people really like each other they start dating…"

"Oh… yeah, you can be my boy friend."

"No, No… I'm your girlfriend, you're my boyfriend."

"Oh… Wendy, your smart."

"I know." She said with a childish smug look.


	2. South Park was founded by?

"So you see children, South Park was founded by the legendary Justin Timberlake

A/N: Oh I forgot, I have to do the DVD intro thing, you can skip it of you want.

Gay guy: So metallicanirvana, tell us a little about yourself.

Metallicanirvana: Well, I write fanfics because I have a lot spare time. I can't really jack it cause my penis fell off so I started writing fics.

Gay guy: Do you hate the people you mock?

Metallicanirvana: I didn't mock Kurt Cobain or Sid Vicious, if I had a penis I would jack off to their photos.

Gay guy: What about Justin Timberlake?

Metallicanirvana: Well he isn't a real person so yeah…

**South Park was founded by?**

"So you see children, South Park was founded by the legendary Justin Timberlake. He has a nice ass…. Which is what I would be saying if I was gay. Anyways we are going to have study groups of two, pick your own groups." Mr Garrison said.

"Hey Stan, do you want to be my partner?" Kyle asked.

"I'm sorry dude, I was thinking I should work with Wendy." Stan replied.

"But dude… we are best friends."

"I know but she is my girlfriend… and I don't want to lose her. I hope you understand." Stan said walking off and asking Wendy to be his partner.

"Oh that sucks dude, Kenny you want to be my partner?"

"Sure." Kenny said in his signature muffled voice.

"Now I want you all to give a report about Justin Timberlake and how he founded South Park… yes Wendy, what is it?" Mr Garrison said when Wendy put up her hand.

"Justin Timberlake didn't find South Park… he wasn't alive when South Park was founded." Wendy said in a cute, childish smart ass voice.

"You shut your mouth little girl." Mr Hat said.

"Yeah Wendy you little bitch!!" Kyle said annoyed shocking everyone including himself.

"Woah dude, did I just say that?" Kyle asked.

"Kyle…" Wendy said with tears in her eyes.

"Don't cry Wendy, you have detention for saying Justin Timberlake didn't find South Park, you too Jew." Mr Hat said.

"Aw you children are as sweet as the sticks that burn your name." Mr Garrison said with a smile.

"What?" Clyde said confused.

"Anyways children, I want the report by the end of the week. Okay, now we are going do some maths problems. What's 3 x 1?"

"Uhh is it when two guys are pounding each other's tight little asses and one of them says they aren't gay anymore?" Cartman asked.

"What? This is maths not… whatever the BEEP that is." Mr Hat said.

"Hey Mr Garrison, what's a BEEP?" Bebe asked.

"Well you know, when we say a swear word they beep us out because we are suppose to be a child friendly television show turned into a random, really BEEP up fic that has a manic depressive writer that doesn't know his stories suck." Mr Garrison explained.

"Watch ya talkin' about sir?" Butters asked parodying Gary Coleman although you won't know that since you can't hear his voice. The bell rings and its time for lunch. Waiting in the lunch line is Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters.

"Why doesn't Stan want to hang around Wendy, doesn't he like me anymore?" Kyle asked depressed looking at the table where Stan and Wendy were talking.

"It's cause your Jewish." Cartman said. Kyle was too sad to even respond to that.

"Aw how my cute little crackers doing today?"

"Fine." They all said except for Kyle who said bad.

"Why bad children?" Chef asked Kyle.

"My best friend doesn't want to spend time with me and instead is hanging around his girlfriend."

"Oh children, that is a problem we must all face so point in our lives, let me sing you a song about it.

_Oh woman I just want to thrust deep inside, where no man has ever been. My friends and family don't matter when you're naked. I want to slip inside of you, cherish every moment as…"_

"Chef!! CHEF!!" Kyle screamed as Chef came back to reality.

"Did that make you feel better?" Chef asked.

"So what you're saying is that it's just a phase because Wendy is new in his life and has feelings for her."

"Is that what I'm saying?" Chef said confused.

"But what if it isn't a phrase and I lose my best friend forever?"

"Move along children, you're holding up the lunch line." Chef said.

"So Stan… we got to do a report on who found South Park, I think it was Sid Vicious who explored this land with his bass and destroyed everything." Wendy said but Stan wasn't responding he was love struck. He felt happy he wasn't throwing up on her like he usually does.

"So I think we got to work on getting information about Sid Vicious, I mean why else would our icon be a smashed bass? Justin Timberlake can't play bass, he can't even dance or sing properly." Wendy says with a smile.

"Well, what if it wasn't Sid or Justin, what if it was an actual explorer who's job is like… exploring and stuff? I mean is it just possible… that it's not a musician." Stan asked. Everyone in the lunch room turned to Stan and started laughing.

"Stan, musicians have to be who founded this land, I mean why else would it be called South Park?" Stan looked at Wendy confused, what does South Park and music have in common anyways?

-

"So Kyle, why did you call me a bitch? You hurt my feelings." Wendy said crying. Mr Garrison was paying no attention to the students in detention because he had gotten his monthly males in swimsuits magazine.

"You're stealing Stan from me." Kyle said annoyed.

"But Kyle… I'm not trying to steal Stan from you." Wendy responded wiping the last of her tears away.

"It feels like you are dude." Kyle said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." Wendy said as she started crying again.

-

"Hello there, what can I do for you?" The museum owner asked. Stan and Wendy had decided to find some information about Sid Vicious.

"Well we have to do this school project and we want to know who founded South Park."

"Well obviously Kurt Cobain, have you ever seen a sexier singer and guitarist?" The man answered back as he led them to the Cobain section.

"That is the first guitar he broke, that is the original print of smells like teen spirit and of cause the bullet he shot himself with." The man said.

"Yeah but like… what does that have to do with finding South Park?" Stan asked.

"Are you mocking Kurt Cobain!!" The museum owner asked.

"No, I think Nirvana are totally awesome but I don't see how that proves that they found South Park." Stan replied.

"Come as you are? Scentless Apprentice? Hairspray Queen? Don't you get it little boy?"

"Well… those are cool songs and all but it has nothing to do with finding South Park." Stan said confused.

"Yes it does,"

"No it doesn't,"

"Yes it doesn't,"

"No it doesn't," Stan screamed annoyed.

"That's it young man, you get out you little bastard. You and your whore go find another place to waste your time with your lies." The man said crying. The two 7 yr olds gave each other awkward glances but decided to leave.

-

"Kenny, you working on the report?" Kyle asked walking into his room.

"I'm done," Kenny said finishing his part.

"Well let's go to school."

At school Mr Garrison was softly jacking it before realising school was going to start in nearly 10 minutes.

"Okay Mr Hat, that's enough." He said pulling his pants up.

"Hello Children, report time… let's start with Bebe and Heidi."

"Uhh okay, Justin Timberlake founded South Park. He is totally sexy even though he can't dance or sing. Thank you." They said in unison.

"Well that had no real information or insight but you called him sexy so A+." Mr Garrison says.

"Kenny, Kyle… you're up next." Kenny got up and stared at the class. 30 or so eyes were pasted on him.

"Too much pressure!! AH!!" Kenny said as he headed exploded, parts of his brain went flying all over the room.

"Well it looks like Kenny is dead, Fs for both of you. Ok, now Stan and Wendy." Mr Garrison said.

"OH MY GOD I GOT AN F, YOU BASTARD!!" Kyle said flipping off his dead friend.

"We have found the truth about who founded South Park," Wendy said.

"Yes, after some research we found out that this town is founded by… no one, this town has existed since the start of time. Someone just came here and claimed they have founded it but in reality this town was founded by no one because when the earth was created it was here. In a way the question is not who founded the land but who created it." Stan said with a smile.

"F minus, next…"

"Wait, F minus? What the hell is that?" Stan asked.

"Please take your seat." Stan and Wendy annoyed sat back in their seats.

"Kyle, I have realise something today… our teacher sucks and I should have been paying more attention to you." Stan said looking at Kyle.

"I have learnt something too, Kenny is an asshole. He killed himself to get out of doing a report and separatist totally suck ass."

"Yeah…" Stan replied.

"You know what you guys? I have learnt something too… Stan and Wendy suck so much they deserve F minuses," Cartman said with a smile.

"Yeah… wait, what?" Kyle asked confused.


	3. Attention disorder

"So for my birthday my mum got me this big jar of jelly and this big jar of honey, you guys I'm gonna have the best sandwiches

"So for my birthday my mum got me this big jar of jelly and this big jar of honey, you guys I'm gonna have the best sandwiches." Kyle said excited. They had their asses planted on the school hall's benches. They had decided to wag class and no one really checks the school hall.

"Wow… that is so exciting, when's your birthday Kenny?" Stan asked.

"Guess…" Kenny replied.

"Uhh January 17th," Stan replied.

"Close, yeah keep guessing…" Kenny replied in his signature muffled voice.

"I don't know… uhh maybe January 18th." Stan replied.

"No,"

"Kenny just tell me when your birthday is." Stan said annoyed.

"No, guess you nearly got it." Kenny replied.

"Oh look me, I'm Kenny… I'm not telling my friends when my birthday is and I turn it into a game because I need attention." Stan said mockingly as Kyle and Cartman watched in silence.

"Stan what the fuck!!" Kenny said pulling Stan a feet away from the rest of his friends.

"What dude?" Stan asked.

"You know I have an attention problem man," Kenny said.

"What are you talking about?" Stan asked confused.

"I have an attention disorder, I crave it… I need it all the time. I'm working on it but don't bring that shit up in front of people." Kenny said annoyed.

"Kenny that is retarded, stop fucking around." Stan said annoyed.

"No it's not, I have ADHD."

"It's not even what that means," Stan replied.

"It is what that means!!" Kenny said.

"You're just being a drama queen,"

"Shut the fuck up, why do you mock my illness?" Kenny asked annoyed.

"I'm sorry dude,"

"That's fine… just don't mention it in front of people, let's just go back there but don't bring it up man." Kenny said as Stan rolled his eyes. The two of them walked a few feet to where there friends were.

"Hey we could here you guys cause your like there and we are just over here." Cartman said.

"Oh, well I like the whole Jelly, honey thing… you going to share?" Cartman said after a long awkward silence.

"Not with you fat ass," Kyle replied.

"JEW!" Cartman replied.

"GOD DAMN IT PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" Kenny said shaking and twitching much like Tweek.

"Turn around guys, ignore him… it's the only way we can help him." Stan said as the rest of guys turned their back to Kenny.

"Guys, Guys!! Look at me, I'm going to sing a song. Kenny, poor Kenny has no attention, everyone…" Kenny continues singing as Stan tells them not to turn around no matter what.

"GUYS, GUYS!! Look at me, I am fat!!" Kenny said.

"…."

"I'm so fat and I don't think I'm going to eat anything. Maybe I'll eat something and then throw up."

"No Kenny, you look fine!" Kyle said.

"I do?" Kenny said happily.

"No Kyle, he is doing it again." Stan replied.

"But Stan that's dangerous." Kyle said.

"Just look straight ahead and ignore him." Stan replied.

"YOU GUYS I WANT YOU TO LOOK SO BADLY." Kenny said.

"I want to look so bad," Cartman said.

"Shut up fat ass and look ahead."

"Guys, look at me…. I have a knife and I'm going to cut myself cause pain is the only thing that is real." Kenny said getting out a small pocket knife and cutting himself. No one turned around.

"Guys, I'm going to kill myself!! If you don't look I'm going to hang myself." Kenny said getting out a rope. No one turned around.

"Please look guys, don't make me do this." Kenny said in tears as he swung the rope to a bar inches below the ceiling.

"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" Kenny screamed as he got onto the ladder. No one looked and Kenny jumped off and died.

"Kenny, do you need attention anymore?" Stan asked.

"Alright, now that he has calmed down we can turn around." Stan said with a smile as the 3 remaining boys turned around.

"Oh…. Shit." The three of them say in unison.

"He's dead…" Kyle said.

"Yeah." Stan and Cartman replied.

"Oh my god you killed Kenny." Kyle said to Stan.

"I'm a bastard." Stan replied.

"Yeah… sometimes that will happen… to people like that." Stan replied. The other two didn't respond, they just stared at their dead friend.

"I mean he really was just doing it for attention but uhh sometimes those people will uhh die if you… ignore them." Stan said.

"I don't really know what we learnt here," Kyle said.

"Me neither." Stan replied.

"Well let's just go cry about Kenny at Kyle's house with the jars of Honey and Jelly." Cartman said.

"Totally." The two boys replied.

A/N: I know that is really random but its pretty much a parody of a skit I saw that made me crack up so yeah….


	4. Call me

**Stan**

_Yeah I have been kind of busy._

I tell Wendy on facebook. Facebook is the most awesome thing ever. Suddenly, my phone starts to ring. I look at it… it's Wendy. Holy shit, why is she calling me? What do you do when a girl calls you? I let the phone ring and ring. Should I pick it up? Does she want to sex talk me? Oh shit…

_Stan: Man, someone just called me. I can't find my phone._

_Wendy: Yeah that was me._

_Stan: oh got to go find my phone brb, my room really needs cleaning._

Shit… holy shit… a girl called me. It rings again… I never talked to a girl on the phone before. What if I say something wrong. Damn… the world of txt messaging and twitter have made it really hard to communicate with voice.

_Wendy: I hate you!_

_Stan: Why?_

_Wendy: So, remember that day Cartman tried to answer that question…_

I had escaped. She isn't calling me anymore. Now she is just trying to talk on facebook.

_Stan: Wendy, I got to go… I'm tired, talk to you tomorrow._

_Wendy: Okay, see you and good night._

_Stan: Night._

I log out of my facebook account as quickly as I could. I need a drink… of water.

"She just called me?" I said.

"Why didn't you answer?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know… I got scared… I'm only 7 dude… I have no experience with girls on the phone." I said.

"Just answer it, there is only one way your going to get good at talking to girls on the phone if it bothers you." Kyle said.

"But it's scary, what if I say something stupid… it's not like I can say it's a typo." I said.

"Dude, stop being such a Jew and answer it." Kyle said.

"Okay, next time she calls… I will honestly answer it." I said.

**Wendy**

_Wendy: I'm so confused now :s_

"Why didn't he answer my call? I was going to say anything bad." I tell Bebe.

"Maybe he got scared." Bebe says.

"Nah not Stan, he is the bravest most coolest guy ever." I tell her.

"He isn't brave, he always throws up around you…" Bebe says.

"Yeah… but that's because it's… It doesn't matter why that is… how can someone be scared of a phone call?" I ask.

"Because he is scared of saying something stupid too you…" Bebe says. God, she acts so smart for a 7 year old. I hate people that don't act their age, I mean I'm 7 and I have a boyfriend… why don't the rest of these girls get boyfriends?

"Yeah but I really like Stan, I don't care if he says something stupid." I say.

"But he doesn't know that… try calling him tonight." Bebe says. Maybe third time will be lucky time.

**Stan**

"Okay dude…Just relax…" Kyle facebooks me as I tell him the phone is ringing. I grab the phone, it gentle vibrates in my hand and I push the green button. The button that will bring her voice and my voice on the same point in the space and time continuum. You know, I have been thinking about this recently but the internet actually breaks the laws of physics. It bends the space and time continuum to allow people all over the world to contact just about anyone they want without actually having to be in the space.

"Hey Stan." She says. Her voice is so sweet.

"Hey Wendy" I reply.

"So… what are you doing?" She asks.

"Talking to you on the phone," I reply.

"Oh… I'm doing that too…" She said.

"Anything new?" I asked.

"Yeah… I'm talking to my boyfriend on the phone… I never did that before."

"Neither..." I said.

"Well I'm going to sleep now, good night honey…"

"Night…" I say as she hangs up. Wow… phone calls suck. Thank god they invented the internet.


End file.
